Here's to the Next Day

First you hear it. Then you try to make sense of it but that doesn't exactly happen right away. Actually, I'm not too sure that it ever really does make sense. But there's more to it. For me, there's tears for a few seconds. Then salty streaks on your cheeks are left as anger sets in. God and I have a nice little chit chat where I talk and He listens to me blame Him. Once that's over I beg Him to heal my Dad and tell Him I know He's in control but I'm still angry with him. Now comes the numbness. The staring into space. I think my brain decides to shut down as a coping mechanism. It's just had so many emotions going on at once that it stops. That and it takes pity on my broken heart. The only thing that goes through my mind is usually a verse of whatever song I've been listening to lately. It just plays over and over again until I remember what I've just been told.

People think that hearing it a second time is easier but it's not. It's different, but it sure as hell isn't easier. This time I had flashbacks of my skinny eyebrowless father. My Mom's teary eyes. My brother, sister, and I waving good bye in the driveway knowing it will be at least a month until we see them again. Phone calls as updates. Holidays and celebrations spent apart. This time I am bitter towards God. The first time I was upset and confused. A month or so ago we got some bad results only to have doctors say it was a false alarm. To us it was a miracle. But now, now I can't help but feel like I've been fooled. I think I feel that way because I truly believed my Dad would never have cancer again. I knew he was "high risk" but I thought, "that's a doctor's term, not a term someone with God on their side uses." So now I'm lost. I'm stuck wondering how this happened again to someone so selfless and humble. I'm sitting here wondering how I'm supposed to feel. How to be strong again...
Shoot, I don't even know how to finish this rambling. Usually I try to end on a positive note, but not today. Today I'm raw. Tomorrow I'll be bitter and calloused. But the next day, that will be a better day. Here's to the next day.