God is Not a Butt Hurt Teenager

When I became a mother I quickly found that EVERYONE has an opinion on how to raise my child. Other mothers spewed out advice that, quite frankly, I didn't give two you-know-what's about. It's extremely annoying. Don't get me wrong, I like advice on being a mom so long as I either asked for it or it doesn't come from one of those moms. You know, the one's who are nice enough to give advice but really it's only so you will put them on some kind of pedestal for being so awesome, perfect, all knowing, yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah. A good friend of mine told me to just say, "oh, I'll have to keep that in mind!" I'm not that nice. And if I did say that verbally, my facial expression would say, "go blow smoke up someone else's (explicative.)
I don't take kindly to self ego boosting "do-gooders." ESPECIALLY when they come in the form of a Christian. I mean, I'm a Christian but I can sniff out a Fred Phelps in a heart beat. (For those of you that already know the story or what I'm getting at, was that too much? Who cares. I said it.)
Now, I shall revert to the real reason I wrote this blog as it seems I'm venting and not talking about cancer. This very much so has to do with cancer.
I have been made aware of a person whom I know that has told another person I know, that if my Father dies from Cancer it will only be because his faith in God was weak because God heals ALL believers. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. WHOA. My first reaction when hearing this was to get a hold of her and go ape shit on this lady. Verbally, of course. Who the hell says things like that? Other than Mr. Phelps and his psychotic culties. Then, I wanted to rip her apart in my blog and make sure she saw it, but alas, I decided to take the high road and use this as way to reach out. To turn this woman's crazy talk into a positive.
So this is me being an adult and not lashing out...
As a person dealing with cancer or watching a loved one deal with it NEVER let someone's opinion, advice, or bible thumping tear you down. Most people who say such hurtful things think they are acting on God's behalf, but they are just pumping themselves full of their own righteousness.
NEVER feel like you aren't worthy of being healed by God.
NEVER question whether your faith is enough for God. Whether you or they believe in Him with your whole heart or don't believe at all, God still has the situation under control. God is not a butt hurt teenager that decides to let people die and suffer because they didn't pick Him to be on their team. You're not hanging on a string of healing until you piss God off.
Now, I'll be honest with you. There's a flip side to this. Just because you do believe in God doesn't mean you will be healed. God has His own plan that we don't get to know about. Sometimes we see it as it unfolds, sometimes it's years later, and well, sometimes we don't get to see it at all. But that doesn't mean that there wasn't a reason for someone not being healed. It's hard to hear that and even harder to comprehend. Trust me. I know. I had a hard time with it until a week or two ago. It's still hard to think about the possibility if losing my Dad, but it's easier to know that if I do, God has a reason for it.

Here's to the Next Day

First you hear it. Then you try to make sense of it but that doesn't exactly happen right away. Actually, I'm not too sure that it ever really does make sense. But there's more to it. For me, there's tears for a few seconds. Then salty streaks on your cheeks are left as anger sets in. God and I have a nice little chit chat where I talk and He listens to me blame Him. Once that's over I beg Him to heal my Dad and tell Him I know He's in control but I'm still angry with him. Now comes the numbness. The staring into space. I think my brain decides to shut down as a coping mechanism. It's just had so many emotions going on at once that it stops. That and it takes pity on my broken heart. The only thing that goes through my mind is usually a verse of whatever song I've been listening to lately. It just plays over and over again until I remember what I've just been told.

People think that hearing it a second time is easier but it's not. It's different, but it sure as hell isn't easier. This time I had flashbacks of my skinny eyebrowless father. My Mom's teary eyes. My brother, sister, and I waving good bye in the driveway knowing it will be at least a month until we see them again. Phone calls as updates. Holidays and celebrations spent apart. This time I am bitter towards God. The first time I was upset and confused. A month or so ago we got some bad results only to have doctors say it was a false alarm. To us it was a miracle. But now, now I can't help but feel like I've been fooled. I think I feel that way because I truly believed my Dad would never have cancer again. I knew he was "high risk" but I thought, "that's a doctor's term, not a term someone with God on their side uses." So now I'm lost. I'm stuck wondering how this happened again to someone so selfless and humble. I'm sitting here wondering how I'm supposed to feel. How to be strong again...
Shoot, I don't even know how to finish this rambling. Usually I try to end on a positive note, but not today. Today I'm raw. Tomorrow I'll be bitter and calloused. But the next day, that will be a better day. Here's to the next day.

The Calm After the Storm

2 years ago I had the opportunity to go to Haiti and visit a few orphanages. It was my hope that I would end up living there and do whatever I was called for, regardless of the danger.
People always warned me how dangerous it was. They said that I would get there and realize it's a different world, hate it, and never go back. They would tell me I was crazy and I would never do it because they would never do it.
I could understand where people were coming from, however none of it made sense to me personally. Danger? If it's my purpose God will handle the danger. So, to me, there was no danger. And of course I knew it was a different world, that was the point of going. What good would I do going somewhere comfortable for me? And the fact that people said I shouldn't go is because they wouldn't is the whole essence of why I absolutely should go. Not many people would. Not many people dream of going to a 3rd world country and living life rough while serving others. But I did. I craved it. So, if that was a desire I possessed, I should do it, because so few others are willing to.
The other day it hit me. My father's outlook on his journey might be like my outlook on Haiti. Not that I think he wants cancer, but he's taking on the task of reaching out to other's in the middle of an undesirable circumstance. He's praying with people. Talking to them. Being honest and raw about what he's gone through. He's making them laugh and smile. Giving them hope. He is being a light to others. And I think if given the choice, he would choose the path he's on now rather than a cancer free one. I think he knows this is his path God has laid out for him and that it's bigger than whatever he will endure from the cancer.
Until now I've had a very hard time coping with this. I couldn't understand it. Because of that I couldn't even begin to process it. It started to eat at me. But now I get it. Now, I can move on and process. It's still not a desirable place that I have to see my Dad be in. It's quite hard to watch actually. But, it's what I would do. And I suppose my desire to do good despite hardships that I may have faced, come from my Dad. I mean, I am his daughter. So here's to a new outlook and respect on what my Dad is going through. And to finally being Ok enough with it to move on without my anger. In fact I'm pretty proud of him for taking cancer head on and being a light for others at the same time.