Hell Hath No Fury Like Me.

I'd like to confuse you for a second and say that my last post was unfair and also complete BS. Ya see, lately I've been struggling on how to cope with my Dad's cancer returning. I thought writing a positive entry would help me to trick myself into being positive. It didn't. I actually just felt like a liar. Don't get me wrong. There ARE times when you just can't help but be thankful and happy. But there are also times when you cry so much you go numb. I can't honestly say which one there's more of because I'm sure it's different for every person. Shoot, I can't even tell you if my family's journey has had more ups or downs. Right now it seems that we've had more of the latter, but two months ago I would have said we've definitely had more ups. Regardless of which is more prevalent, you still have to keep your head up. Am I hurt? Yes. Angry? Definitely. Bitter? You know it. Confused? Hell yes, I'm confused. Even with all that negativity I have to hold on to the hope that this will be Ok. That he will be Ok. It's not easy trying to stay positive while seeing your hero struggle. At times it seems damn near impossible. I think the hardest thing for me is not having the answers. I have always felt comfort in knowing why God allows us to struggle and bad things to happen. I am thankful for struggles because without them we wouldn't value our friends and family as much. We wouldn't have close bonds because they never would have seen us fall, and more importantly, helped us get back up. Hardships are necessary. I get that. What I don't get is why someone has to fight their way through cancer twice. And why is that someone my Dad? Once? No problem. He's got it. Consider it beat already. But twice? What did he do to deserve that? I simply don't understand. It's bullshit and it enrages me. It consumes with a bitterness I've never known. I trust that God knows what He's doing. I really do. But I also know that God does things His way, not my way. And for the first time, I'm not Ok with that.