A week ago I was thinking about what I wanted for my birthday. I love makeup, clothes, shoes, makeup, and clothes. (Ha!) But the only thing I wanted was for my Dad to be cured. I thought about blowing out the candles and making that wish. Then I thought to myself that a few short weeks after my birthday I would actually have my birthday wish come true! How crazy is that? Most people make wishes but rarely do they ever come true, but mine actually would. I just had to be patient for just a little while and I'd get what I asked for.
Two days before my birthday Mom and Dad Skyped me. We Skype all the time but usually it's so they can see Dexter and we can talk in between his antics about how they're doing. That night Dexter was already asleep so they asked how work was. While I was talking to them I could tell they hadn't called with any intention of wanting to see Dexter. They had something to tell me. As I spoke I left out details of how bad my week was because I wanted to get to whatever they needed to tell me about. I also had some long pauses because I wasn't really sure if I was ready to hear what they were going to say. Finally, it came out. Mom said that they were told it's time to switch to plan B. I knew what that meant but I still needed to hear it. Then Mom told me the trial didn't work. Dad's lesions were growing in size as opposed to shrinking like they were supposed to. Dad had been having pain in his arm for a while but we were all just hoping that the pain was the measles fighting the cancer and killing it. In reality it was just the cancer growing and giving us all the middle finger.
We're not really sure what Plan B is right now. Not that it really matters. I think that if the doctor had some elaborate plan that he was confident in we'd still be pretty skeptical. I mean, this was supposed to be it. This was supposed to be the answer to our prayers. It was supposed to be the beginning of my Dad's new life post cancer. But it's not. Our prayers weren't answered. Our hopes were crushed and our hearts deflated again. Do we even dare to inflate them back up? It's not that we don't believe that a miracle can happen or that God still has our family in his hands, it's just that we need to take a break and let Him carry us for a little while. We're so broken and defeated. I don't think any of us were ready for this. We had put so much hope and so much faith into this trial that I think we don't have any for what's next. We literally gave it all counting on the fact that we wouldn't have to rely on any of it for a while. We thought this was going to be the end.
So, here it is, my birthday. As I ate my gelato (which I opted for over cake) I decided not to make a wish. I decided to follow the verse that my Dad has been posting lately and let God fight for us and for Dad. Because right now I think all any of us wants is to be still and let Him do the fighting.
"I will fight for you; you need only be still."
Exodus 14:14
