Unwelcome Anniversaries

It was my senior year of high school. Softball season. My Grandma had just had a heart attack and was going into surgery. I didn't think much of it. After all, she had been diagnosed with brain cancer and given 6 months to live. And at the time that had been 10 years ago. She had beat all odds and survived. The fact that she was given a 99% success rate for this surgery made me feel like this wasn't a big deal, not for her anyways. I mean, even if she was given a 50/50 there might have been some thoughts, but not a lot of worry. She had already beat death once and laughed in it's face for 91/2 years past the "expiration date" it had given her. 1% chance of death and 99% chance she'd be showing up back at our house sometime at 5am after a 2 hour drive from Pratt. I never got any more wake up calls. She never made it out of surgery that day.

Fast forward to my Freshman year of college. Spring again. My Grandpa and I were closer than ever. The loss of my Grandma had been hard on him but we went out on dates every single week and I think it really helped keep his mind off things. It was Good Friday and my cousin Jessica called me, told me that my Grandpa had a heart attack. It was mind blowing, earth shattering, life altering de ja vu. I left that day to go see him in Wichita. For the next few days we all camped out at the cardiac center there. We went in to visit him and talk to him as he waited to have his surgery. Same odds. Same. F**king. Odds. I remember watching my Dad as he relived this situation for the second time. One parent gone on a 1% chance, and the other awaiting the same surgery with the same chance, almost exactly a year later. I had never seen irony be so cruel.  I tried to imagine all the things going through his mind. He had to make the same connections I did. But I never asked to find out.
 

I watched an episode of Parenthood the other day and the family was all waiting for Zeek's heart surgery results in the waiting room. Another person in the waiting room got called into a different room. Someone had mentioned that when that happens it means they're giving you bad news. They give you good news in the main waiting room and bad news in a separate room so you can grieve.

That Easter Sunday morning we got asked to go into the separate waiting room.
 

Now we flash forward again, or backwards if you will, to June 19th, 2013. Exactly 2 years ago from today. At 10pm my alarm went off for work. I really enjoy my sleep so I usually only give myself time to throw some clothes on, brush my teeth and run out the door. That night was no different. By the time I got to work it was 10:45 and I noticed my Mom had sent me a message saying I needed to call her. I decided it was too late and that I'd call the next morning when I got off work. The next morning I received a call from my uncle and found out that my Dad had been put in the hospital the day before. His kidneys were failing and they were only at, I believe, 4% usage. It was horrible news, I can't honestly say I knew how bad of a thing that was. I mean, I know having your kidneys fail isn't a good thing, but was it a fixable thing, could it be turned around, is it a lifetime issue or just a quick stay in the hospital and everything will be back to normal? I had no idea, it just made me panic. I felt so guilty for not calling my Mom back. I should have called her and went to see her and stay with her that night. The next 3 days I spent every free minute I had at the hospital. The doctors ran every test they could think of to try and find out what was going on. At the end of those three days my Mom and Dad waited until all 3 of us kids were together and told us that Dad had cancer. He had gone from kidney problems to Cancer. From dialysis to chemo. From this sucks to WHAT...???

Finally, the present. The past few days I've been in this weird mood. It's not so bad until I'm alone and then it really hits me. You see,  I've known this big date in our family's life was coming up and it's really left me with this unsettling feeling. It's not the kind of anniversary you want to celebrate or remember, but it looms anyways. And to add to it my Mom had texted me one day saying that Dad's kidney's had been bothering him. That one little message brought back so many feelings. So many fears, insecurities, falsehoods. It made me remember thinking that something was wrong, but not "cancer kind of wrong," only to find out, it was in fact that exact kind of wrong. It made me feel very vulnerable and worrisome. I had always wondered how it felt to watch a horrific situation regarding your parents unfold in front of you twice like my Dad had to and now I couldn't help but feel like it was happening to me. I don't know what I expected to hear that could be so bad. Not to sound crass but he's not in remission so it's not like he was going to end up in the hospital and find out the cancer came back. It's already back. I just panicked.  It didn't make sense and I shouldn't have let it bother me but it really made me relive a lot of those old emotions. I've already heard my parents tell me once that Dad had cancer, and then tell me another time that it was back. I never wanted to hear those words or feel that way again. Twice was enough. Hell, once was enough. I suppose it's just a part of this journey, though. Every year around this time my heart will be heavy and mind will start to remember those feelings, I just hope my Dad's kidneys decide not to bother him this time of year ever again.